13 November 2009;
10:22 AM
It's been a long time since I visited.
Could be a good thing, cos it means I've been too busy to think about whatever's been happening.
I realised one very important thing from doing this show called Siren (It's a good show btw, just don't expect too much from lighting yet)
Thing is, one cannot please everybody. It is not that I didn't know it before, but I tend to forget this fact and try my best to please as many as I can. However, I realised that I'm tired out and I probably shouldnt care about what people think. Afterall, I am the Lighting Designer. Not them. I can do whatever I want, as long as I get the job done.
Here's another issue- How can I get the job done when things keep changing. By the time its settling down, I'm still struggling to change the things on my side to suit the other changes. By the time I'm done with the changes, another thing changes and there I go again. It's never ending! And I dont even want to talk about it cos its just gonna stress people out.
I guess you could call this a learning experience, but it certainly is not a pleasant one.
I'm gonna attempt to talk to people without seeing the prejudice side of them. Just ignore their hypocriticism and get on with what I want to do, force a smile on my face and get on with it. I'm not even gonna talk about the unhappiness faced or whatsoever. It doesn't help. It really doesnt. I will only be concerned about my lighting operator and my dear SM who has been very understanding so far.
End of story.
If only life was that easy.
ESCAPE.
27 August 2009;
8:58 PM
I haven't been here in a long while.
That's cos I've been happy.
Now... I feel like something's amiss, but I can't put my hand on it.
I don't know why, but I feel like people are just controlling my life, influencing the decisions I make and "helping me" but maybe only making matters worse. I don't know.
I've had the whole of this afternoon to myself, and I was busy doing homework, but I felt ignored. Up to a point where I actually felt that other people were much more important than the insignificant old me. Why? Cos they
know that no matter what, I
will be there.
Be there for them to bitch to, be there for them to cry on, be there for them to snap at, be there for them to vent their frustrations on. I feel... that the time alone this afternoon was... peaceful.
It makes me wanna shut myself out from everyone. Just... shut up and let the world consume me, my emotions, my thoughts.
Maybe, I should just do that.
I just don't wanna deal with people's frustrations anymore. Nor people's bitching, jealousy, anger ... whatever.
I just want time. Alone. Maybe with my good friend. Someone who truly understands how I feel...
ESCAPE.
26 May 2009;
10:52 PM
Sometimes i really wonder: What is going on in their minds.
My brother skipped school for like dunno how many times just cos his class or some ppl in his class are fucking assholes who cant get over certain things that happened in the past.
How back dated that person is, and how "confident" he is of himself. Spreading old ancient stories to gain attention and popularity. Putting others down before you totally become invisible just cos no one pays u attention. Mother fucking sissy. I hope u get ignored by the whole school.
All above is based on my own opinion. If that mother fucking sissy reads this and has enough balls to admit its him and is unhappy abt this come talk to me.
On a side note,
I hope wad i said just now went into my brother's head. Don't even know whether he heard everything i said. Just remember that you only live for yourself and those you care for. Don't do things that will hurt the people you care for. People who don't think twice abt your feelings before they say what they say or do what they do are not worth your attention. Just take the pain and bear with it for now because in the end, I'm sure they won't be a very significant part of your life.
And daddy just wants the best for you (dont know whether you believe it or not) although he may be all high and mighty and arrogant sometimes. He uses harsh words because his anger got the better of him. He still cares for you, otherwise he wouldn't even be feeling angry.
I'm sure you know what you're doing and I will always defend you as far as i can go. But don't disappoint me please.
ESCAPE.
19 May 2009;
9:50 PM
I'm feeling very... lethargic right now.
Lethargic and moody at the same time.
Currently working on: The Crab Flower Club.
If you're free come watch.
Oh man, cant find the mood to blog anymore. Mood swing... byebye.
ESCAPE.
30 April 2009;
9:43 AM
i hope i won't regret posting this.
cos i feel like fuck now.
fuckyouknnccbfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
ESCAPE.
;
9:38 AM
and i wish i could say i didn't mean all those so that you wouldn't feel so fuck when you read this, but i decided not to.
because i don't even know what i feel about this. all i know is you girlfriend is
dumb for still wanting to care for you when you told her you woke up on the toilet floor with a bump on your head, thinking that you really fainted.
maybe you really did, but hello, how can we be so sure it's not just another act.
Labels: the split persona, things i would have said
ESCAPE.
;
9:20 AM
how could you do this to her!
do you know that she's so heartbroken, she spent the whole night and day thinking about
what she did wrong that gave you the urge to do that.
what kind of a guy are you.
go online and go after another girl.
even if it were just a joke, it's still considered as going after another girl because it is still an attempt.
and since you and
your brother succeeded in doing that, you must be real proud that you're oh so charming that no girls can resist.
what sort of story are you spinning.
first you tell her that it was your brother who was posing as you, and then you tell her that you were present, just playing along and typing the words i love you i miss you and muacks to another girl. how can u even type all those to someone you dont love!
AND THEN you say actually,
you were the one who started it. WTF MAN. so which one is the truth!
then you say you were interested in her for a day or two.
so it means that your real gf was not good enough for you so you went for another girl cos you were bored.
and you say, with an expression so sad that she almost believed you, that she didnt give you enough love.
DIDN'T GIVE YOU ENOUGH LOVE?!?!
the end of the conversation was like 2 days before you both went to the chalet with other ppl remember?
all these while you didn't even bother to tell her about this conversation with that nice hot girl whom you were interested in playing with.
perhaps if you were really playing and had told her, she would have stopped you from doing it before you show her what an idiot you are.
and you even had the guts to tell that girl you and your gf are breaking up. is that what you're wishing for?
im just amazed that the words i love you and i miss you and even a kiss, can easily come out of your mouth to another girl. just like that, at the snap of your fingers.
and when she asked you: dont you feel guilty whenever you say that to the girl?
you said that you don't even feel guilty at all because you were
just playing.
how will i know if you're not
just playing with your girlfriend?
maybe your gf can feel your love when you're with her. but come on, you think she'd be convinced after reading all that and thinking how real it sounds, thinking that you really love that girl?
i wish i could tell you to fuck off bitch. cos i feel so fucking sad for your girlfriend and so pissed off that you actually could do this to her.
wake up your fucking idea fuck.
Labels: the split persona
ESCAPE.
